I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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