he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
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I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
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I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?