Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
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going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
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You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?