I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
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You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
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Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You're breaking my sexual little heart