For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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