Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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