I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
