3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
