Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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