I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
