listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
