I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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