Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
