The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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