You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
