So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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