so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
