: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
