I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
