just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I didn't notice because vodka
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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