Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
