I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
