i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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