im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
