She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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