but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just forgot I was standing up.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
