I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
