I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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