it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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