So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
