i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
