I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
