I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
