I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
