I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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