so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We're too hungover to prance.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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