Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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