okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
