I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
