i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
