maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
