I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
