twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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