I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And the cops told us we were all naked.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
