Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's shark week go big or go home
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
