barbara walters just said penis...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
