in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
