I need to stop coming to work sober
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
