I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
