Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
