I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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