Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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