we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
