my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
