everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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