My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
