i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
